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November 2006



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Nov. 26th, 2006



an intro

So, here's an intro. I'm Nia, 21, and I have only recently been diagnosed with BPD, depression and a hardcore anxiety disorder. I thought for a very long time that I was bi-polar, but that never fit quite right. Finally, after having a regular doctor put me on multiple medications that either made symptoms worse or did nothing I started seeing a psychologist at my university. He is the one that went through the trouble of trying to diagnose me. Apparently I am not a "typical" case, but honestly, I think that that's his opinion only because I was still hiding a lot of myself from him. This week I begin therapy with a new psychologist, as well as a psychiatrist to advise about the medication so that I can get off the bi-polar medication I am on now that is making me feel horribly depressed almost constantly.

Everything has been happening very fast the past few years with constant visits to the doctor to find out what's going on with me. After so many years of struggling with this I finally reached out for help. I am discouraged because of the stigma BPD seems to carry, especially with many a medical professional, and I am worried that things will never get better and I have allowed myself to be vulnerable for nothing.

Sorry it's kind of lame, but, there you go.

Nov. 21st, 2006


my gift

I was thinking about mental illness today. How random it is. How stigmatizing. Okay, maybe we've come a long way from the 50's, and depression is recognized as an illness now, but really we haven't come too far. Not if people like Tom Cruise are belittling women who take medication for depression, and every time you say you've got a mental illness people look for the nearest exit.

I get disability for my "illness." Of course, the question always arises with someone, somewhere, about what I do for a living. Nothing. I get disability. Oh? What for?

I make stuff up now. I tell them I am a writer. Which isn't all that far from the truth. I am a writer. I just don't make a living at it.

I am also 37. I have kids who depend on me to be there for them. And here I am, barely able to take care of myself. But mental illness doesn't discriminate, does it? My feelings run just as irrationally and intensely as any 16 year olds. Granted there are generational differences that go along with age. And I have more life experiences to draw on for indicators to level of emotionality and probability of recovery.

For all the good it does me. Because honestly, when I am crying in the shower, huddled into a pathetic fetal mass on the floor as hot water streams over my body, I don't feel like I'm 37. I don't think like a 37 year old. And I rarely, if ever, refer back to all my life experiences to tell me how to handle this situation. I do what I inevitably do, and cut myself.

There are people of every age going through terrible bouts of depression, despondency and feeling misunderstood.

I hope that with this support group, I can create a place where people are not judged, and can feel free to be who they really are.

Nov. 16th, 2006


(no subject)

I want to welcome all who come here. I am struggling to cope with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed 6 years ago, along with post traumatic stress disorder, but it is the bpd that I have worked hardest to refute.

I just couldn't bring myself to accept that I had this illness...something that I would carry with me for the rest of my life, much like a diabetic carries his/her illness with them. I frequently stopped taking meds and quit seeing therapists. I felt better, I would say. Or...nothing was working right anyway, I argued.

I'm not sick....I'm just lazy, or stupid, or confused. I need a push in the right direction, I need to get off my butt and just do it.....all excuses that I, along with many others, threw at me daily.

But I am sick. And this disorder affects every area of my life. I realize that now. And I understand that to truly overcome it, I have to own it, rather than let it own me.

I hope to make new friends with this community. I hope to create a feeling of security for anyone who visits here. I hope to provide encouragement, advice, hope, and some very good resources for anyone wanting to learn to overcome their illness, or just learn how to live with someone else who is sick.

I have an Associate's Degree in Psychology, and study everything I can on my own, as well. I am currently taking classes at the Art Institute Online, to earn a diploma in Digital Design. Before all that I worked for many years in the day care business as Lead Teacher and Assistant Teacher.

So come on...don't be shy. Leave a comment, join, and introduce yourself.